Category: Opinion

When it comes to oral sex, most folks who indulge in it think they have the best moves down pat. I won’t lie, I’ve been with people who swore they were the best cunnilinguists out there, and they went on to prove themselves worthy of the title. Unfortunately, that’s not the case the majority of the time.

Like anything else you engage in with another person, your mileage may vary. There are things you can do for one person that will have them screaming for more; try it with someone else and they may do all they can to squirm away.

I say all this to say, your moves may have worked on a lot of people, but communicating with your partner will always win the day. That’s the problem with getting into a rut, so to speak. Thinking you have a set of moves perfected, then performing them with every lover you have the pleasure of encountering isn’t how you go about making your partners feel amazing.

There are techniques, however, you can learn to add to your repertoire which may lead your partner to explosive orgasms. And the best way to get started, is by memorizing a map.

Before you begin any project, you should always be sure you know what you’re working with. Every vulva is different, but the main parts are typically in the same place.

Contrary to popular belief, you’re not ‘eating vagina’, as the vagina is internal. That doesn’t mean you should ignore it, though, once things get going.

The key to exceptional oral sex is paying attention to all the parts that feel pleasure. Some people with vulvas love having their labia (minora and majora) stroked, licked, and maybe even squeezed a little. Others don’t care if you do anything other than hold them out of the way while you go to town on the clitoris.

Pro tip: Let’s do away with the trope that the clitoris is difficult to find. It’s not. Although they are all different shapes and sizes, they are all in the same place.

This is why communication is so important. Keep checking in with your partner while you’re going down on them in the beginning. Yes, sounds and movements help clue you in when you’re doing something right (or not), but asking, “Does that feel good?” goes a long way. Not everyone is comfortable making their pleasure known vocally with sounds. Let’s be better about talking through our pleasure (or displeasure).

One of the biggest mistakes people make when eating pussy is going straight for the clitoris. Sure, you want to give this amazing gland a lot of love, but make your way there slowly. And don’t start with the vulva area at all. Begin kissing your partner in all the other places before you make your way to the finish line.

With that said, the clitoris is a pretty amazing thing. What you see is only a small part of the organ itself. The clitoris extends into the body, with a shaft that’s nine to eleven centimeters long! It boasts more nerve endings than a penis, so it makes sense it’s the center of attention.

Nerdy Science Note: The clitoris wasn’t mapped until 2005.

That also means it’s extra sensitive. Some partners will enjoy direct intense pressure, while others need you to go a little softer. But whatever way your partner enjoys it, do yourself and her a favor and don’t stop when she says, “Don’t stop!”

When your partner tells you not to stop, they’re saying exactly what you’re doing, right that moment, has them on the edge of orgasm. Changing the pressure, the shape of your tongue, or really anything at that moment is a sure fire way to cause them to lose the orgasm.

That’s never a good thing. Unless you’re into edge play, but be sure to discuss that ahead of time!

How to Get Started Giving Oral Sex

1. Start at the top- No, I don’t mean the top of their pussy. Place soft kisses on their neck, moving downward towards their breasts. Take your time here. There are so many erogenous zones on the breasts you can explore. Be sure to pay equal attention to both mounds!
2. Keep moving down- At this point, your partner is likely moaning and writhing, so be sure to continue giving pleasure. Teasing is a big part of any kind of foreplay, but you want to show your intentions to please as well. If they’re wearing undies, start kissing their vulva and even licking a bit through the material. It’s a great build up and will leave them wanting more.

The inner thighs are a hot zone for a lot of people, so don’t leave them out. However, if they are ticklish, this may be a no go area until they’re extra turned on. Personally, I’m no longer ticklish at all once I’m raring to go!

3. The best part- It’s time to remove any barriers and really get down to business (if your partner is okay with this, we’ll talk about this again later). If your partner enjoys sex toys, be sure to have one handy. But don’t try to use it right away, except for some vibration! Most people with vulvas don’t orgasm from penetration alone, but you can always turn it on and buzz your way over the labia and even the clit before giving it all a good tongue lashing.
4. Forget the alphabet- I see this advice so often and wonder who decided it was a good idea. Spelling the alphabet on your partner’s clit is probably not going to do much for them. It’s incredibly inconsistent. Consistency is important. As mentioned earlier, if they say don’t stop, then don’t stop!

Listening and learning

While you’re licking and sucking your partner’s clitoris, pay attention to how their body is reacting. If you’re not getting much in the way of signs, i.e. they’re not grasping the linens, moving their bottom, breathing faster, etc. then change up what you’re doing.

But most importantly, ask them what they need.

In an ideal world, you will be able to listen and observe your partner’s body as you try different techniques on them, allowing you to see what works and doesn’t.

Some people just won’t like what you’re doing, and that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them. It just means you need to spend more time getting to know their specific preferences.

If they aren’t sure what they like, try a few different ways to give oral sex and get them to rate how it feels. Don’t take the ratings or directions personally. This is about what they enjoy and isn’t a statement against your sexual prowess.

Some people are quieter than others and may not react much, even when they orgasm. As a result, you may find it near impossible to tell if they are enjoying themselves or not. The only solution is getting some feedback from them. After you go down on them, try asking them about what they enjoyed, what they didn’t enjoy, and what they want you to do differently.

A note about using barriers while giving oral sex

Safer sex is never a bad thing. Folks don’t always consider using a barrier when performing oral sex, it’s not something we think about as often as we do using a condom for penetrative sex. But have you ever tried to use a dental dam? They’re awkward, the shift around, and let’s face it, they aren’t sexy. Let me tell you about Lorals, FDA cleared for STI protection, sexy undies for oral.

Available in black if you want to keep it mysterious and now, sheer if you’re ready to bare it all, Lorals provide a barrier between your body and your partner for any kind of oral sex you want to get into. They protect but they don’t keep you from experiencing the same pleasure you would without being in place. And, if oral while on your period has always been a no-no for you (we don’t judge either way!) Lorals provides a barrier to allow you to feel comfortable for that, too.

The Bottom Line

Orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal when giving oral sex. It’s wonderful if you get there, but unless this is the only sex act you’ll be doing for the night, it’s just a warm up for more. When you go into licking pussy with the idea you must get your partner off, it puts pressure on you both to perform.

Enjoy it for the appetizer it is and make your partner feel good. In the end, your attention and listening to their body and words will take you further than you’ve been before.

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If you would like to chat more about intimacy topics or set up a coaching session, you can contact me here.